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Tuesday, July 1, 2014

The Tour of Horrors

I'm honest on this blog about the state of the house but I do give you a very curated peak at what the house looks like. I show you party ready pictures. After pictures. Flattering angles. It's like your Senior yearbook photo compared to your Driver's License.

But there are parts of the house I try not to let anyone see. These are mostly bathroom related because our bathrooms are the worst. There's a mystery spot in the upstairs bathroom that sketches me out so much we won't even talk about it.

But now, I present to you:

THE TOUR OF HORRORS.

Below you will see the bathroom mirror upstairs (it's not a bathroom selfie of a ghost...LOLOLOL). Check out the rust around the outside. For about 5 months this mirror had been taken down and I regret to inform you that having it up is an improvement. Behind it is a mold stain on gross cream paint that doesn't match the cat puke brown paint that's going on in the rest of the bathroom. Let's not linger here.




Oy. This "light fixture." I see this monstrosity a million times a day. It's even worse when it's on because then you can see the rusty details and the grungy string EVEN BETTER.


This one I will hopefully be fixing this week. When painting the halls cat barf pink brown (seriously, did they get a huge OOPS can of this at Lowe Depot or was this a choice) they decided not to paint the treacherous staircase and just to put a wobbly line at the edge and call it a day. Why not? No one will notice.


And when patching the giant hole in the middle of the stairs? Any off white paint will do.


Then there's the stairs themselves. We tore up the atrocious berber carpet that was there when we moved in and I painstakingly removed the tack strips and staples from the treads in the middle of the night so that our pets and moving crew would not need new tetanus boosters. It's so, so, ugly and the first thing you see when you walk in. The good news? It's going away this month!


Whatever leak caused this attic access point to become so gross-tastic has long been fixed and yet....the ick remains.

People keep asking us if we're going to redo the popcorn ceilings...to them I say, "Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha."

Maybe someday but not someday soon. Popcorn is the least of my worries. I mean, it could be literal popcorn up there and it would still be low on my list.


The front porch has some traps so watch your step. When door to door sales people come by we put out the special straw carpet over that thing.


There's a little girl in the neighborhood who came over one day and kicked all of the loose porch balusters until some of them fell out.  One side of the porch doesn't even have a railing and don't rely too much on the stair railing or you're gonna regret it. 

We had our best friends watch our cat a few months ago and they sent us this video. (Some PG-13 sign language is used.)

video

I laughed so, so, so hard when they sent it. (And every time I've seen it since.)

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